Today: Thứ Ba, Tháng Một 31, 2023
Today: Thứ Ba, Tháng Một 31, 2023

Tóm tắt “Lòng tốt của bạn cần thêm đôi phần sắc sảo” – Mộ Nhan Ca

 

Quyển sách được biết bởi một bác sĩ tâm lý đưa ra những ví dụ, lập luận xoay quanh phân tích tâm lý về những người “ không biết sử dụng lòng tốt” và đưa ra hướng giải quyết.


Chương 1: Tưởng là tốt bụng, hóa ra là nhu nhược

“Nếu bạn đã quen chịu thiệt, đã quen im lặng, đã quen để mình ấm ức, đã quen nhận lời mọi người, thì bạn sẽ quên mất thật ra bạn có thể có thái độ, có thể có quan điểm, có thể có năng lực, có thể sống cuộc sống mà bạn muốn.”
Chương này giúp mình hiểu hơn về việc sử dụng lòng tốt như thế nào là phù hợp. Không thể cứ nghe theo mong muốn của người khác, giúp đỡ họ hết lòng mà không có nguyên tắc của mình. Tốt bụng là một lựa chọn cần đến trí tuệ. Tốt bụng đơn thuần là tốt bụng chứ không phải vì người khác, vì danh xưng, vì mong đền đáp.

Chương 2: Có câu “Chịu thiệt là phúc”, cơ mà

Những sách về triết lý cuộc sống hay dạy rằng thay vì oán trách người nào đó không đối tốt với mình, phải đặt mình vào hoàn cảnh người khác mà suy nghĩ, cảm thông cho họ, tin tưởng rằng “Ở hiền gặp lành”, người tốt nhất định sẽ gặp trái ngọt. Tuy nhiên, chúng ta cũng cần tự đặt câu hỏi vì sao cứ một mực rằng chúng ta phải cảm thông cho người khác? Nếu bản thân mình còn bị thương, thì sao lo cho người khác? Nếu bản thân mình còn chưa vực dậy nổi, thì làm sao có thể dìu người khác? Khi bạn bị tổn thương, liệu có thể đối tốt với những người làm tổn thương mình? Khi bạn đau khổ, cõi lòng chảy máu, liệu còn giữ được sự bình tĩnh trong tâm hồn?

Dù bạn chịu được tổn thương ấy, cũng không cần ép mình phải tha thứ cho kẻ đã làm tổn thương bạn. Cũng không cần cho rằng, vì người đó nên mới có bạn của ngày hôm nay. Bạn của hôm nay là do bản thân bạn đã mạnh mẽ, cố gắng biết chừng nào.

Bạn phải tin rằng, khi không có khả năng, chỉ nên đối tốt với những người tốt với mình mà thôi. Khi bạn có khả năng, trên thế gian này, không ai không đối xử tốt với bạn mà cũng chẳng có ai bạn không đối xử tốt được cả.

Chương 3: Người ấy không biết xót xa trước sự hy sinh thừa thãi

Thông thường trong quan hệ yêu đương hay hôn nhân, có ít nhất một bên phải chịu đựng sự hy sinh, nhưng cách hợp lý hơn cả là bất kể bên nào hy sinh nhiều hay ít, đều phải dựa trên cơ sở hai bên đồng ý và chấp nhận lẫn nhau. Nếu không, sự cho đi ngốc nghếch và hy sinh miễn cưỡng của bất cứ bên nào đều không bình thường.

Nếu đối phương thật sự yêu bạn, tôn trọng bạn, thì sẽ không thản nhiên trước những sự hy sinh của bạn. Ngược lại, bạn sẽ không vì câu “Tôi đã hy sinh nhiều như thế” để trói buộc đối phương. Trên thực tế, khi làm như vậy là bạn đang đối xử tệ với chính mình. Thay vì nghĩ cách làm sao “hy sinh cho tốt đẹp”, chi bằng hãy nghĩ cách “sống đẹp hơn.”

Đời người vốn không ai nợ ai. Người khác đối tốt với bạn, là vì họ thích; còn bạn đối tốt với người khác, là do bạn cam tâm tình nguyện. Không phải mọi sự cho đi đều có đền đáp, và không phải mọi sự cho đi đều cần đền đáp.

Cuộc sống đều là do bản thân tự lựa chọn. Bất kể là việc gì, chỉ cần người khác không ép buộc bạn, thì ngay khi quyết định làm thế, bạn đã hoàn thành cuộc trao đổi ngang giá về tình cảm rồi. Bạn không thể coi “việc tốt” này như khoản tiền gửi ngân hàng, bắt người khác phải trả hết lãi và gốc như bạn mong muốn được.

Chương 4: Bạn tốt bao nhiêu, thì người ấy có thể xấu bấy nhiêu

Khó khăn lớn nhất trong cuộc sống và công việc của chúng ta thường không đến từ năng lực, mà bắt đầu từ mối quan hệ giữa người với người. Lúc này, một người tốt bụng như bạn sẽ rất có khả năng lựa chọn nhượng bộ, chịu ấm ức, thà bản thân vất vả cũng phải giúp đỡ người khác. Thế nhưng, lâu dần bạn phát hiện, sự nhượng bộ của bạn sẽ chỉ khiến đối phương “được voi đòi tiên”, chứ không hề giúp thay đổi hiện trạng.

Có lẽ, bạn cũng từng ngốc nghếch cho rằng, tốt bụng chính là luôn nghĩ cho người khác, mọi thứ của bạn đều có thể buông bỏ, còn đối phương sẽ thấu hiểu bạn, thậm chí bị bạn làm cảm động. Nhưng thực tế thì tàn khốc hơn. Sự tốt bụng, khoan dung, nhân nhượng không giới hạn thật ra chính là dễ dãi, sẽ khiến đối phương được đằng chân lên đằng đầu, cuối cùng ép bạn đến chân tường.

Chương 5: Bạn không kiên cường đến thế, nhưng chỉ có thể một mình kiên cường

Nếu bạn hỏi ý kiến về một vấn đề, bạn bè sẽ đưa ra đủ các đáp án, nhưng bất kể bạn chọn làm theo lời đề nghị của ai, chỉ cần bạn sai, những người còn lại sẽ thi nhau nhảy vào dạy đời bạn với câu nói “Tao đã bảo rồi mà! Nếu như mày nghe tao thì đã …”

Mấu chốt vấn đề là, bạn không thể hễ gặp chuyện lại nghe theo ý kiến mọi người như vậy suốt đời, mà quan trọng hơn là, không một ai có thể luôn luôn đúng cả. Chỉ cần bạn nghe sai một lần, vẫn sẽ có những người đứng ra dạy đời tương tự. Nếu để những người cho bạn lời khuyên hoặc chỉ trích bạn trải qua hoàn cảnh tương tự, chưa chắc họ đã làm tốt hơn bạn. Vì vậy, họ không có tư cách bình luận bạn.

Chương 6: Có thể lo nghĩ thay cho người khác, nhưng phải sống vì bản thân

Có một câu như thế này, là “Không thể làm bạn bè, vì từng tổn thương nhau; không thể làm kẻ thù, vì từng yêu tha thiết”. Không có tình yêu nào lấy tổn thương làm mục đích, nhưng có vô số tình yêu mà kết cục lại là tổn thương còn lại. Nhiều luc, chúng ta cho rẳng, mong đợi ở một người là tình yêu, chăm sóc cho cuộc sống của một người là tình yêu. Do đó, chúng ta liên tục nảy sinh kỳ vọng với người đó, yêu cầu người đó sống theo phương thức mà mình mong muốn. Chưa kể nhiều khi, để nhấn mạnh cái gọi là tình yêu của mình, chúng ta đi làm một số việc mà bản thân cho là vì yêu người ấy, dùng những cách nhọc tâm nhọc sức để lấy lòng người ấy.

Đương nhiên, đây cũng là một cách yêu, nhưng cách thức này chỉ là chúng ta muốn trao đi. Chúng ta không hề xác định được đối phương có muốn tình yêu kiểu này không, thậm chí có cảm nhận được hay không.

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